Choices
by The Treacle Tart
Summary: Sirius Black makes a startling discovery and now he has a choice to make. Slash. SSRL Complete
1. Discovery

I started to think of the choices we make everyday and how we are affected by them.  I started to think of the choices we make everyday and how others are affected by them. I started to think about Severus Snape and what might motivate him.  This is the result.

**Title:               Choices**

**Author:           The Treacle Tart**

**Pairings:         SS / RL**

**Rating:            R - but only just.**

**Summary:       Sirius Black makes a startling discovery and now he has a choice to make. **

**Disclaimer:     Anything associated with Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling.  I am simply an obsessed fan.**

A thank you to bluemeanie who helped me through this.  It has changed much since you first read it so very long ago.  I hope this is better.

Special thanks to Angelfeather for her insight and patience.

**Choices **

**Part One - Discovery **

Sirius Black had a choice to make.

And it was one he had never thought he would have to make.

The War between 'The Dark' and 'The Light' had been raging for months.  People were disappearing.  People were dying.  It could be anyone at any time, and Sirius knew that.  It could be him…or Harry…or Remus.  The thought of losing the people he loved terrified him. Years of forced isolation made him fierce about protecting those closest to him, especially since it was only recently that his innocence was proven and he could be with them, in the open and unafraid.

Sirius thought about others as well, for to lose anyone at this juncture of the battle would be detrimental to the cause.  He thought about the effect on the War if something happened to Albus Dumbledore, who was still trying to convince a corrupt Ministry that they needed to take action.  He thought about the effect on the school if something happened to Minerva McGonagall, who spent most of her time running it as if already planning for Dumbledore's eventual departure --by his own hand or another's.  He thought about the children, especially Ron and Hermione who had only just discovered each other in a way beyond the boundaries of normal friendship.  He thought of the littlest Weasley, Ginny, and the way she looked at Harry.  And, when he thought no one was looking, the way Harry looked back. Yes, Sirius Black thought about a lot of people during that time.

The one person he did not think about was Severus Snape.  In fact, he tried his best to never think about Severus Snape.  But one day, he did.  Sirius took a really close look.  He looked at the small lines that cut into his face, each marking a reminder of the tightrope Snape was walking on and how thin it was. He thought of how very easily that tightrope could snap, how very easily he could be the next to disappear.  He thought how likely it was, in fact, that one day he would disappear, for if anyone was in the line of fire on a regular basis, it was the dour Potions Master.  Sirius thought about it, but, in the scheme of things, he did not imagine he would care at all.  Until, that is, he looked at his friend, Remus Lupin.

Sirius remembered all to well the days before the Wolfsbane Potion, the days when the most kind and gentle person he knew, transformed into a creature thirsty for blood with a primal urge to rip and tear.  He remembered what that change did to his friend, physically and emotionally.  Seeing the werewolf now you would never know he still had the affliction.  Sure, Remus was occasionally tired and bone weary from the transformation, but the potion allowed him to retain control ofhis mind.  In retaining his mind, he retained his humanity and his dignity.  The change in the man was tangible.

It was whenSnape disappeared for three days that Sirius Black started to worry.  Though Remus never said a word he knew they were both thinking the same thing -- what if he never came back?  Who would brew the potion?  It was a selfish thought no one voiced, but it hung in the air, getting heavier minute by the minute, until the greasy git finally returned.  It was that day that Sirius made a decision.  Someone else would have to learn how to brew the potion.  Someone else had to be able to do it if Snape could not.  

Sirius was a good potions student.  He was not a master like Snape was, but he had the capacity to learn.  He owed it to his friend to try.  So one day he approached Severus Snape, explained his concern and asked, as politely as he could, if he would teach him how to brew the potion.  After many sarcastic and acerbic remarks and a few dog jokes thrown in for good measure, Snape acquiesced.  Even Snape had to see it was the only way to help Remus Lupin.  They needed everyone at their best; it was war, after all.

So Sirius Black started spending a lot of time in the dungeons and in the company of the one person he despised only slightly less than Voldemort and his minions. Well, with the exception of Peter Pettigrew.  He had a special sort of loathing for Peter Pettigrew.   

And after the name calling got boring and the verbal abuse required more energy than either was willing to expend, an amazing thing happened**: **Sirius grew to like him.  He could not say when it happened or how**;** Merlin knows, it wasn't overnight.  But over the course of many months, somewhere between chopping the Taro Root and measuring the Aconite, a sort of comfortableness presented itself and two archrivals hated each other a little less.

Sirius Black would never call it a friendship.  No one would believe him anyway.  But he admitted to himself thathe had grown to respect the man and his abilities, as well as his devotion.  The Wolfsbane Potion was a difficult one.  Precision was key as was constant attention.  And after six months of failed attempts, lost tempers and some remarkably creative swearing, Sirius was finally able to do it.

Now here is where Sirius Black got into a little trouble.  He knew Remus almost vomited every time he drank it.  All Sirius wanted to do was improve the taste.  A very innocent and charitable desire, all things  said.  He spoke to Snape about it on several occasions, but Snape always insisted that nothing could be done to the potion without lessening its effectiveness.  Sirius was not convinced, so he followed the advice of the most industrious and talented student he knew; he went to the library and did some research.

After four days of searching and grumbling, of thumbing through hundreds of dusty journals and manuals, of leads that led nowhere, he found what he was looking for, the original formula for the Wolfsbane potion.  And then, right then, he made a discovery that would alter his sense of reality like nothing before it.  There was a very specific reason Snape knew there could be no variations to the formula without altering its effects.  There was a very specific reason Snape could make the potion in his sleep.  Snape's extensive knowledge came not from studying it, but from inventing it.  Severus Snape created it, and due to the complexity of this potion, Sirius suspected its production was no accidental discovery.

Sirius stopped for a few moments to think about the significance ofwhat he was looking at.  Severus knew no other werewolves; that little factoid had comeout early in their partnership.

_"This is such a complicated procedure and so time consuming.  It must take all your spare time to make it for people.  How many others do you make it for?"_

_"I personally just make it for Lupin, thank Merlin.  Other werewolves have other sources. I only have the one beast to consider.  Since he elects to remain here and be a threat to the children, I see it as my duty to keep him tame."_

How different that conversation seems now that he hadthis morsel of information in his hands.

Suddenly, his mind was racing.  'Let's assume that Snape was speaking the truth and he really did not know any other werewolves.  If Remus was the only werewolf that he knew then he had probably created the potion for him. At the very least, Remus was the inspiration for the construction of the potion.  But why?  What would prompt Snape to make a potion for Remus?  A complicated and very intricate potion that probably took years to develop at that.  You would think he......Oh…..OH…..oh.'

Sometimes life was better as a dog.  

There were things that Sirius Black believed in indisputably**: **his innocence, Voldemort being the incarnation of pure evil, and Severus Snape was an egotistical, hateful, vindictive man incapable of emotion.

It was bad enough he had to admit that Snape was devoted to keeping Harry safe and  Voldemort at bay.  It was bad enough he had to admit that Snape put his own safety aside on a daily basis to gather any information he could to help Dumbledore.  It was bad enough that he had to admit that Snape sacrificed himself continuously to aid in the war.  Mind you it takes some very creative rationalizing to allow oneself to admit all those things and still believe unequivocally that Severus Snape was an egotistical, hateful, vindictive man incapable of emotion.

Creative rationalizations aside, now he had to admit that Snape did something incredibly compassionate for his best friend.  He had to admit that Snape _created_ the greatest gift Remus had ever received and did it without taking any credit for it conception.  Sirius had to admit  Snape was not only capable of feeling emotion, but emotion was probably his motivation for said compassionate act.  He had to admit there was a good chance that Severus Snape loved Remus Lupin, had always loved him.  

And suddenly he found himself faced with an odd choice.     

He could forget he ever learnt this particular bit of information.  Snape, it seemed, had no intention of ever letting on that he was the inventor of the potion.  That fact that was evident to Sirius as it took days to find out any information.  Remus wasblissfully ignorant, as he never made any attempt to find out who the inventor was.  Yes, Sirius could keep this information to himself and nothing would change and no one would be the wiser.  

Sirius liked that idea except for one small, tiny,trivial detail that kept gnawing at his conscious; Remus Lupin was in love with Severus Snape.  He had never said so; he never needed to.  Sirius knew his friend well enough to recognize the signs of an unspoken love on his lonely heart.  Remus would never let Snape how he felt; the fear of certainrejection would be too much for him.  The werewolf had a hard enough time being alone and out cast.  He seemed satisfied to live in a sort of fantasy world when it came to Severus Snape, as the reality of it was deficient and highly improbable. 

At least that's how it seemed to Sirius. 

Perhaps it was the far away look in Remus's eyes whenever he looked at Snape, or maybe it was the way Remus would always defend him when Sirius got on one of his tirades.  Perhaps it was that Remus said Snape's name in his sleep on more than one occasion during the years they shared a dormitory and even now when they shared a flat, where the walls are deceptively thin.  

Perhaps it was the look of betrayal and hurt in Remus's eyes when Snape turned away from him after Sirius's childish prank almost turned into attempted murder.  Sirius always had a difficult time with that memory.  A bitterly cold day, gray and icy, made worse by the sight of two people staring at each other with unspoken words of anger, confusion, regret and remorse swirling around them. Unvoiced declarations of love washed away by unvoiced accusations.  Sirius was an anonymous witness to the exchange in the middle of the library where those two would occasionally study together; the place where a friendship was born and where it died.  It was because of that memory Sirius even contemplated saying something now.  A couple of decades worth of guilt will have that effect on a person.

So if Sirius could not ignore the information he learned today, what were his other options?  He could confront Snape and find out why he did it.  No, that would not yield any positive results.  Besides, it really did not involve him.  Whatever it was, it was between Snape and Remus.  His only other course of action would be to tell Remus and let Remus decide for himself what to do with the information.

That could be dangerous.  What if Remus jumped to the same conclusions that Sirius did?  What if they were both wrong?  Remus might be setting himself up for a devastating fall. Then again, Remus has been cautious for twenty years.  It might be a safe assumption that hewould continue that tradition.

In any case, itwasn't Sirius's choice to make.  All he had to decide was whether to tell or not to tell, and to whom.  Sirius thought of his old friend and his new one and had to admit, though very begrudgingly, that they would be good for one another - in a co-dependent sort of way. No, he would have to tell Remus.  He would have to give Remus the chance of finding out if there was something there.  Happiness was hard to come by these days, and everyone deserved a chance at finding some, even a lonely werewolf and a grumpy Potions Master.


	2. Contemplation

**Part Two - Contemplation**

Remus Lupin had a choice to make.

And it was one he had never thought he would have to make.

There were no indications that today would be anything other than an ordinary day.  The sun was shining brightly, an occurrence he was grateful for more than others would ever realize.  The air smelled of the rain that fell during the night - of wet grass, soft earth, and renewing life - and he inhaled it deeply into his lungs.  He drank his morning tea with a bit of milk and sugar. All in all, an ordinary, pleasant day. Well, save the fact that a madman was wreaking havoc on the world, but all things considered, not bad.

And then Sirius Black had to go and turn his world upside down.

Being a werewolf meant many things to many people.  To some , it meant being afraid and guarded, a focus of fear and apprehension. To others, it meant being curious and spellbound, a fascinating creature of magic and darkness. And to others still, it meant being sympathetic and sensitive, a beast to be pitied for his affliction, though still considered a beast.

To the werewolf himself, however, it meant being careful.  The werewolf must keep his emotions in check at all times.  The werewolf must always be in control of his reason because to lose control would be a matter of life and death, in the most literal of senses.  To be a werewolf meant to be an observer of life. Being a participant was made difficult by a condition that alienated you from others as much as it alienated others from you.  How could regular people understand the intricacies of a life consisting of violence and a hunger that never went away, and the agonizing dichotomy of  opposing personalities?  How could a werewolf understand a life without those things?

To lose control was to lose oneself to the wolf.  If one did not fight the call of the lupine instincts taking residence in every cell of ones body, one was destined to lose all humanity.  One would become the wolf, not just during the full moon but all the time. It was a price Remus Lupin was not willing to pay.  

Remus Lupin had resigned himself long ago to the fact that a beast resided within his skin, a beast thattore itself free once, sometimes twice a month.  He accepted his fate a long time ago and tried as best he could to live a life despite it all.  It looked like he would now get the chance at some happiness, as his best friend was found innocent of the most brutal of crimes.  He had a makeshift family in the form of a caring if not slightly calculating Headmaster and a group of professors whom he respected and whorespected him in return, not to mention a faction of exceptional children whose ability to find trouble and danger certainly kept things interesting. 

He also had a very vivid imagination.  And, when one is forced to be an observer of life as opposed to a participant, it came in very handy.

Severus Snape never showed him anything but contempt, if one doesn't count the years of indifference, that is.  Remus had no reason to love him, to be in love with him.  It started as a respect of his abilities and intelligence.  Remus grew to admire a boy who never gave in to the pressures of adolescence life.  Severus never tried to fit in.  He never tried to be what others wanted him to be.  He was who he wanted to be, who he needed to be, without caring what others thought.  Severus chose to be alone rather than not to be true to himself.  There was a lot of bravery in that.  Remus wasn't that brave.  He spent most of those years denying who he was for fear of being a pariah.  

What others saw as arrogance, Remus saw as pride.  What others saw as defiance, Remus saw as conviction.  What others saw as sarcasm and disdain, Remus saw as a biting wit and shrewdness.  What others saw as ugly, Remus saw as beautiful.  And, though Severus barely showed that he even acknowledged his existence, Remus was captivated and frankly obsessed by him. 

He supposed it was love.  He knew he felt some strongemotion, and it was as complex as it was primitive.  Complex as it tore him apart almost as much as the beast in his skin; complex as it sent his body, mind and very soul into avalley of despair and asummit of ecstasy within seconds of one another. And yet primitive, as it was the most base of all emotions; to belong, to touch, to taste.

In reality, Remus held out no hope for a relationship with Severus.  So, it would come to pass that he would make one up.In his fantasy there was romance and passion and emotion and adventure.  There was also no fighting or bickering, no anger or uncertainties, no rejection.  Their days were full of spirited debates and profound conversations, stolen glances and passionate innuendo. Their nights full of hunger and need and desire.

It was a perfect relationship and he was content with that.  Before today he had had to be.

Now that delicate balance of fantasy and reality would waver and fall, the line between them crossed.  Remus had to let in the possibility that perhaps the fantasy could possibly be more than fiction--maybe.

Severus Snape had created the potion that saved Remus's sanity during his transformation.  The relief that Remus felt knowing that he could account for every minute of his life and not have huge blocks of lost time in some chasm was more than he could ever express.  The illusion of humanity was something he never before allowed himself to romanticize about, despite his aforementioned vivid imagination.

To make the potion monthly was one thing.  It could be attributed to the duty he felt to his school and the cause they were all fighting for.  It could be attributed to the need for competent soldiers.  It could be attributed to personal pride as Severus proved time and time again, his ability at one of the most difficult potions in the world.  It could also be Snape's way of keeping Remus in his debt and having control.  Remus understood the need to have control.

The actual development of the potion however was not as easily explained.  It takes days to make and includes no less than twenty separate ingredients, some of which are quite costly.  Quantities are measured to the most infinitesimal amounts.  He couldn't have just stumbled upon it.  He had to have beenlooking for it.  But why?

This is when that part of Remus's brain that was slightly more wolf than man spoke up, the part he tried his best to keep quiet as it almost invariably got him in trouble.  It said there was only one thing that could move a man to an action such as this.  One thing that could drive a man to such depths of compassion.  And, knowing Severus Snape as he did, he knew he did not do things simply because they were asked of him or expected of him.  He did things he felt passionately about.  Was there a possibility, even remotely, that some part of him felt passionately about Remus Lupin?

And, did Remus Lupin allow himself to lose control, even a little bit, and confront the man about it?  Did he risk the rejection he had spent years avoiding for a chance at the one thing he wanted more than anything else?  Did he allow himself to be hopeful when his life was basically a litany of hopes lost before he even got the chance to hope them at all?

He could choose to remain silent and live with the knowledge that some part of Snape, some small part, would always be connected to him in the form of a thick grey liquid that saved his reason once a month.  He could live with the knowledge that Snape did know he existed and at some level cared that Remus's existence was a comfortable one.  He could choose to be alone.

To talk to him about it meant to allow Severus the chance to rebuff him and irrevocably destroy the charade of a relationship that Remus had been subsisting on for years.  To some, it might not sound like a choice at all.  How could the façade of a life compare to a real one?  But he was a werewolf and werewolves did not have the luxury of a normal life. 

What it all came down to was this; did Remus think he was more beast than man?  The beast is not governed by petty emotions such as love; he was governed by hunger and thirst.  Then again the beast did not fantasize about romance.  The man did. The beast did not dream about a silken voice and exquisite, elegant hands.  The man did.  And didn't the very potion in the center of all this controversy come from the notion that he could overcome the beast and control it, that he was, in the end, more man than beast?  To deny that would be to deny the very thing the potion was meant to do, it would deny the work Severus put into it.   At the very least Remus had to thank Severus for his efforts and attempt to find out why he did it.

He owed it to the man, the man he wanted to be, to try. 


	3. Action

**Part Three - Action**

He was reading the latest edition of _Innovations in Alchemy_ when he heard the timid knock at his door. 

Severus Snape was not used to having visitors. His last visitor had beenFilch seven years ago and _that_ was only because he got lost chasing a tomcat that got too friendly with Mrs. Norris. Severus ignored the rapping at first, willing the intruder to leave with the sheer power of his snarl. As the knocking got stronger and more persistent, however, he submitted. At the very least, he could assuage his curiosity as to who would be brave enough to visit his quarters after curfew.

He opened the door to find Remus Lupin and his first thought was that something terrible had happened. Why else would he be there? "What's wrong? What's happened?"

Remus looked confused, "Nothing has happened Severus. I need to talk to you."

"About what?" he replied, hiding his relief with his usual derision.

"It's a personal matter. May I come in?" he said nervously.

"And I would agree to this because….?" Go away.

"Because it involves you...and me." I will not go away.

He forced down his surprise, determined not to show emotion and stepped aside to allow passage. Remus entered and waited for Snape to lead the way. The Potions master led himto the parlor where he sat on an armchair and motioned for the werewolf to sit across from him on a small sofa. Severus sat back and waited for Remus to speak.

Remus was terrified. To be more exact, it seemed it would have been easier to learn wandless magic than to have this conversation. He seized upon the tiny bit that made him a Gryffindor and finally spoke. 

"I wanted to thank you personally," he began.

"Thank me for what?" he answered in an irritated voice.

Remus paused. Some innate part of his brain was telling him he was making a huge mistake and putting himself in danger. Survival instincts were kicking in and telling him to run. He summoned his courage. Now was not the time to begin listening to the wolf. "For the Wolfsbane Potion," he finally uttered.

Severus gave his best 'you can't be serious' face. "Lupin," he drawled, "You thank me for that every month; even you are not so polite asto thank me between thanking me."

"I am not thanking you for supplying the potion." He paused to lick his lips. "I am thanking you for inventing it."

Even Snape, who prided himself on his ability to hide his emotions, knew his face displayed the shock he felt to his core.

Lupin continued, "It came to my attention that you formulated the potion several years ago and I wanted to let you know what a difference it has made in my life. I wanted to make sure you understood what it meant to me to be able to keep my mind human during that time in my life. It's one thing to make it for me month after month but quite another to go through the trouble of creating it. I knew you were gifted, but I had no idea the extent of your talent."

Severus shook himself out of his shocked stuporand found his tongue. "You're welcome. Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do."

Not so fast Professor. "Wait, Severus, before I go I have a question."

"What?" he asked apprehensively.

"Why?" Tell me.

"Why?" No.

"Yes. Why did you do it?" Please. 

Severus gave no hint of complying. "It doesn't matter why Lupin. It needed to be done and I did it."

Remus gave no hint of accepting that as an answer. "It matters to me, Severus. Centuries went by with no one giving a care about my kind. One doesn't suddenlydecide to devote years tocreating a potion for a creature most would rather see exterminated. You may see no need, but it is important to me to know why. You might not be able to understand it, but I am not used to having people care about….my problems. I _need_ to understand, Severus."

He sighed, "There is nothing to understand Lupin."

"I think there is," he said defiantly.

Snape could feel his ire rising. "I don't really care what you think. What I do, and why I do it, is no business of yours."

"You made it my business when you undertook the experiment in the first place, Severus. You made it my business when you helped me and my kind."

Severus could feel the prickle of frustration at his neck and the hair on his arms begins to stand on end. Why did he let the wolf get under his skin so? Through gritted teeth he spoke, "I saw a need and I decided to do something about it." 

"That's it. You saw a need. One day you decided, what - that you had nothing better to do for a few years." He was angry and he didn't now why. Or maybe he did. He wanted more of a reason than simple necessity. He wanted a declaration. Was he just another experiment? Wasn't he something more? Who needed Snape and his altruism anyway? "Since when did you care so much about werewolves?"

Something akin to fire burned in Snape's eyes. The absolute, unmitigated audacity. "Is it so difficult to imagine me human enough not to want to see someone in pain and agony?" 

This caught his attention. "When?"

"When what, Lupin?" Severus was about to lose any modicum of patience he still possessed.

"When did you see me in pain and agony?" his voice was suddenly soft and almost frightened.

"Why do you assume it was you I was talking about?" he asked in an exasperated tone.

Remus cocked his head and the corner of his mouth lifted. "I was not aware that you kept the company of many werewolves?"

Severus paused. This was Black's fault. It had to be. He had toldhim months ago that he only brewed the potion for Lupin as he knew no other werewolves. That's what he gotfor letting his guard down and actually being civil to the cretin. He should have gone with his original instincts and transfigured the dolt into a badger; a rabid one. 

Lupin sat in front of him, quietly waiting for an answer, and Severus knew he would have to give him one. Werewolves were not creatures to let up once they picked up a scent. They would track it until caught, and Snape was caught.

Damn Lupin his insistence, Black for his meddling, Dumbledore for bringing them to Hogwarts and Potter….well Potter just to even things out. He so liked symmetry. With a rather dramatic sigh, he responded. "The night I found you in the Shrieking Shack I witnessed the transformation. James Potter got me out well after you changed; when you picked up my scent and lunged at me. I was too shocked to say anything at the time . I had no idea what it was that you went through and frankly, the trauma sickened me." He spoke as if delivering a dissertation, explaining the facts and showing no emotions.

Remus furrowed his brow. This was not what he expected at all. "You knew what I was…..before the incident?"

For Merlin's sake…. "I'm not an idiot, Lupin. I can read a calendar like anyone else. It didn't take much for me to realize what you were."

"So why go at all? Why risk it?" Remus asked, his voice almost childlike.

Snape shrugged his shoulders. "Curiosity, I guess. Black told me where to find you, and how to find you, soI went to see for myself. I thought I would be safe. I thought I would get out well before I was noticed. I wasn't expecting to see what I saw. I wasn't expecting to see…to be…affected." 

Though his voice was coarse and abrasive, defensive even, Remus heard something more. He heard emotion: sorrow and fear and just a trace of compassion. He heard it and his heart dropped into his stomach. "I'm sorry you had to see that, Severus, especially without any preparation. I know how it feels, I can only imagine how it looks to someone who is not used to it." 

"How could you ever get used to it?" Severus was dumfounded. Was he actually getting sympathy from a creature whose body morphed and ruptured on a constant basis, because he witnessed what the other lived? 

Remus watched the shiver that ran through Severus's spine and felt his resolve dissipate He found more than he thought he would, but not what he hoped he would. "You learn to adapt to the things in your life, Severus," he began softly, "Good or bad. Situations, conditions, behaviors. We are surrounded by things on a daily basis that we would rather not ever have been in contact with, but we adjust and survive and go on. Sometimes one doesn't have a choice."

"And sometimes one does," he answered, almost defiantly. "I did. I had a choice. I had the ability to try to find a cure and I chose to try."

What? "A cure?"

Damn and blast. Severus closed his eyes and ran his hand across the side of his neck. He could feel the blood running through his jugular, pulse in tune to the throbbing in his head. "That's what it started as; I was looking for a cure," he reluctantly admitted. "The best I could do was make you less of a danger to those around you, to help you stay in society and not to be cast aside as if less than human."

Remus Lupin stood with his mouth agape. He didn't know what he expected, but he most certainly did not expect that Severus was looking for an all out cure. And that only shocked him slightly less than hearing Severus refer to him as human. Bits and pieces of a joined history kept swirling around him; puzzle pieces that refused to fit into place. "I don't understand. If you wanted so much to help me…to be helpful to me, why tell everyone what I was when I taught here two years ago. You didn't seem to want to help me then."

"You had already resigned when I made that announcement. Dumbledore told me that morning. I did it out of spite for..I was angry and that's how I dealt with it." 

Remus was trying to all he could to reconcile all that he was being told. Something did not add up. He needed to know more. "How long did it take you?" he finally asked.

"What?" Severus asked, his throat dry and his voice cracking slightly.

"How long did it take you to make the potion?"

Severus sighed his resignation. "Six years."

"Six years?" Remus nearly fell out off the sofa. "You worked on this for six years? How is that possible? How did you find the time…or the money, it must have cost a fortune?"

At this Severus stiffened and did not speak a word. 

"Severus?" 

"I think you should leave now." There was anger in his voice, rage and fear.

Remus picked up the Severus's scent in the charged air between them. Disquiet agitation, alarm, adrenaline, mixed with herbs and fire. He knew he was onto something. "Why?" he finally asked.

"I do not owe you an explanation." Severus's face was tight with the wrath he was holding back. "It is late and I have classes to prepare for. I have answered your questions and you are no longer welcome here."

"I am not going anywhere, Severus." Remus would never remember where he got the courage to speak to Severus in that manor, but his instincts told him he was onto something. He was not about to stop now. That one thing about being a werewolf he liked, an instinctual hunting impulse that gave him power and strength. "This discussion is far from over." 

"Remus," Severus tried to speak calmly through his steadily grinding teeth, "There are some questions that shouldn't be answered, no matter how much we think we want them to be."

"You called me Remus," he said with disbelief.

"What are you mumbling about?" he said, nearly shouting.

"Nothing," another day, another time. "Please keep talking."

Severus plainly stated, "This conversationis over. You are leaving and I am getting back to my life."

"Why won't you tell me?" How long was this going to go on? he wondered. "Why can't you share this with me? You put six years of your life in to this. You deserve the recognition for that, especially from me. You obviously sacrificed a lot to develop the potion. Why not tell the person who you sacrificed it for?"

"Because it isn't something you'd want to hear, Lupin." He got up and walked to the other side of the room placing as much distance as he could between himself and the werewolf.

"How do you know what I want to hear?" Lupin followed him. He was not going to get away that easily.

Severus stood his ground. "I know what you don't want to hear." 

Remus smirked, "And you know me so well, of course."

Yes, that modicum of patience was being strained. Severus brought his hand up to his face and began to rub the bridge of his nose. "There are things no one wants to hear Lupin."

"You forget I am a werewolf, Severus. We are not normal people. We have the capacity to understand things others may not have the stomach for."

He simply shook his head. "Choices are made in the course of lifetime, Lupin. I made choices and they were mine to make. You may be a werewolf but you are not me, and you have to take my word for it when I tell you that, as such, you do not have the capacity to neither understand nor accept those choices."

"So bold a statement, Severus. Do we know each other that well? Well enough to foretell each other's reactions. Well, I for one understand _myself_ well enough to know what I need to hear."

That modicum of patience had just vanished. "The truth is a fickle thing Lupin," he nearly snarled. "We are told the truth shall set us free, but most of the time it merely traps and suffocates us into submission." 

"Severus, enough avoidance and evasion. I have theright to know."

"You have theright?"

"Yes, I do, though you might find that hard to believe. I don't have to sit back and watch the pass me by. I have the right to ask. The right to know - to want to know."

"You _want_ to know? You want to know, do you?" Severus refused to hold back his anger any longer. "You really want to know. You think you are prepared to listen to the truth. You think you can contend with the truth."

"Yes," he stated. 

"There is no going back Lupin. Once you know, things are forever altered. Knowing the truth means accepting the consequences and you think you are prepared to do that."

"Yes**, **damn it, yes."

"Fine." So it was time. Words came out in a rapid succession, full of a lifetime's worth of fury. "Simply put, in order to get the time and financing to work on the potion I had to become a Death Eater. In exchange for infiltrating the Death Eaters and getting into Voldemort's inner circle, Dumbledore promised me free reign to work on the potion. He promised me all the materials and space I needed. He promised me the time and the access to any and all research available, as well as a fully stocked laboratory. All I had to do in return was sell my soul to madman for two years. All I had to do was allow Voldemort to hit me with the Cruciatus curse a few dozen times in order to prove myself worthy of the honor of being at the mercy of his insanity. Is that enough honesty for you? Shall I go on?" 

His words were ruthless, his tone, relentless. "I had to bear witness to an incalculable amount of brutality and senseless murders in order to gather any and all information and pass it along to the Order. I had to put aside any shred of humanity I possessed with the hope that, in time, I would find it again. Eventually, Potter the smaller took care of Voldemort, momentarily anyway, and I returned to Hogwarts. Is your curiosity satisfied, Lupin? Have you gotten the answers you so desperately needed?"

The barrage of words swirled and swelled around him. Images and emotions beat him down until he felt himself starting to fall. Remus steadied himself as the room began to swim around him. His legs were shaking and his mind was refusing to believe what had been said. "Dumbledore asked you to do that? He made you…" His startled eyes met Severus's unwavering ones.

Seeing the shock there calmed him down, if only slightly. He had just divulged more in a few minutes than he had to anyone his entire life and it was taking its toll on both of them. "I approached him." Severus clarified. "It was my plan. I was on the Death Eater fast track. They had their eye on me from before I ever entered Hogwarts. It was easy for me to get in and get close. I just made sure when I got out I had something to show for it."

Remus was still stunned. "Dumbledore let you -"

"We were fighting a war Lupin," he interrupted. "Sacrifices had to be made. Choices had to be made. It was his best chance of getting information straight from the source and he gave me all that I asked for and more. I made the offer, he would have been a fool, and would have risked many lives, if he did not accept it."

"But what…it was alright for you to risk your life?" He was incredulous.

"People die in war, Lupin." Severus's voice softened. "Whether it was me or someone else it would have happened. I was banking on my survival abilities. So was Dumbledore."

Remus was trying to understand. It was impossible. "Severus none of this makes sense. You barely spoke to me in the seven years we went to school together save a handful study sessions in our sixth year. You sold your life for the remote chance that there was even something you could do to help me. Why, Severus?" The strain of the conversation was apparent in his quivering voice. "Why risk everything for me? Please…Please, I have to know."

Severus saw the pain in his eyes; a grief and sorrow in those amber pools that affected him no less now than it did decades ago. It seemed wrong to him for someone like Remus Lupin to have that sort of pain in his eyes; eyes that should be full of laughter and song. He had given up so much to never have to see them so pained again and now it was back -- and he was the reason. He had already disclosed so much, why not all of it? Wasn't it time after all? "You are assuming Remus," he said slowly, "that I had something else to live for."

The words struck Remus square in the gut; the force nearly threw him to the ground at Snape's feet. For all Remus suffered, he never thought he had nothing to live for. He never considered that he was not worthy of living, or not deserving of a life. He watched as the Potion's master walked away and sat down in his chair, the chair he had sat in when this conversation started. Remus watched as the mask slipped away to reveal a loneliness and an emptiness he never thought he would see on those stoic features. He watched as Severus Snape began to rebuild this mask, he watched as he prepared himself to hide away again. But Remus could not allow this to happen. Not now. Not ever again.

He gathered his resolve and walked to where Severus sat in silence. He knelt in front of Severus and took his hand. Looking in his eyes he spoke, "Why didn't you tell me? Why sacrifice so much and never tell me?"

Severus looked at the hand in his and wondered how it got there as words came unbidden to his lips. "Do you think I would want to find out that I suffered so much for someone who might never…." Severus realized he had spoken too much and despised himself for his weakness. He pulled his hand away. "It was enough to know I helped -- that I was of some use in this life."

Remus looked into the dark eyes and at the sadness that lived there. The sadness that was always there, from the time they were small boys to now when two men stood at a crossroad. Severus had told him so much; he owed it to him to be just as forth coming. "I would never reject you Severus. I couldn't. I care for you too much."

Severus looked away. "I don't need your pity."

Remus placed a hand on Severus's cheek and was grateful he was allowed to do so. "I do not pity you, Severus. I-I love you. I have for many, many years. Well before Voldemort, well before the Wolfsbane potion. And I curse myself for my cowardice. I would have gladly spent the last two decades of my life letting you know how much you meant to me. If I ever thought for even one second that you felt anything for me in return, I would have been by your side the entire time." 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Severus Snape had a choice to make.

And it was one he had never thought he would have to make.

Before him sat a man he had loved for too many years to count; a man he was prepared to forfeit his life for. And this man was claiming to love him back. 

Could he ever be sure that Remus spoke the truth that night? Would he ever know that those were not just the words of man grateful for getting any sort of respite from the pain he dealt with unremittingly for almost the whole of his life? What could he be sure of? 

He could die tomorrow. Remus could die tomorrow. The world could end and they would never have the time to be together. He would never know what it felt like to kiss the lips he had tastedin a thousand dreams. 

They could win the war and survive it and have all the time in the world. But then, perhaps he would find that Remus's words were just words after all, and he would be alone again. How much pain is one man expected to take?

He found contentment in this solitude and satisfaction, such as it was, in the life he was living. Did he really want to allow himself to be vulnerable now after he had survived so much?To give Remus Lupin his heart would be to allow the werewolf to crush it. And he could. He could succeed in destroying Snape in a way Voldemort never could. To make it worse, Snape would give him the power to do so. He could hand Lupin the key to his own annihilation.

In some ways this was the most difficult choice Severus Snape ever had to make. 

And also the easiest.

He made difficult choices years before in order to help Remus Lupin. He never regretted them, not once. He did it then for the mere specterof love, a shadow that followed him around any time of the day or night. Before him sat the possibility of love, the promise of love. And be it for a day or a lifetime, it would be worth it.

Severus made his choice. 

"I suppose…considering all that has passed…it would be foolish not to see where this path could lead." He shook a bit as he spoke the words. 

Remus Lupin looked at him, at the onyx eyes and pallid skin, at the boy he knew and the man he had become, at the reality and the fantasy -- and he shook a bit as well. He leaned in and kissed Severus Snape with every ounce of power he possessed. It was a claiming kiss and both men knew it. 

And Severus responded. To the kiss. To the claiming. To the sensation of soft full lips devouring his own. He responded to the moist, warm tongue sliding in and out. To the taut body pushing into him and the incredibly solid erection pressing into his own. Hands both callous and tender, cupped Severus's face, while his own hands snaked around the werewolf's waist pulling him in closer and closer.

The air around them ignited and what began as gentle quickly became more. Remus wanted to taste the skin of his fantasies and run his tongue up and down the body he imagined over an incalculable number of nights. He felt his own body begin to burn red hot and his hands, aching and trembling, begin to rip the clothes off his beloved. Needing to claim him. The wolf was trying to take over, but Remus would not let him. He waited for this for far too long to rush through it now, and he would not push his prospective lover so quickly.

Severus seemed to recognize his hesitation because he spoke, "You have been exceedingly pushy all night. Now is not the time for gallantry." That sarcastic bite was punctuated with one eyebrow raised and his patented smirk. It was the most sensual thing Remus ever saw. 

"We have a choice to make, Severus," he stated plainly. 

"Another one?"

"I'm afraid so."

"And that would be…."

Remus gave a small growl. "Right here, right now, on the rug by the fire or in your bedroom - way over on the other side of the dungeon." He began to undo the length of buttons taunting him mercilessly.

"That is quite the dilemma." He stood in contemplation for a brief moment. "I say why choose when both are equally appealing?" he actually purred.

Sometime later - much later, that purr would be blamed for the copious amount of buttons strewn across the parlor floor.

Neither would remember how they got completely disrobed or how the rug got transfigured into a cushiony and quite comfortable mat…or where the lubricant came from.

Severus would remember the feeling of Remus's mouth placing kisses on every inch of his body in a religious exploration. He would remember that same mouth sucking his life force out through his straining erection as he rode out the pulsing wave of climax. He would remember the feeling of completion as Remus thrust inside him, gently and lovingly whispering words of adoration. And later, forcefully and wantonly, growling in hunger and need through a language only Severus could understand.

Remus would remember that Severus tasted like musk and spice. He would remember the feel of silken skin against his own and the tender tongue that ran up and down his scarred shoulder. He would remember what it felt like to finally be buried inside Severus's eager body and the delicious noises he would make with every thrust. He would remember…treasure the feel of his own need swelling and burning and coursing through his length into the accepting body of his beloved. He would remember Severus baring his neck, with his soul, for Remus to claim. And those were memories they would relive and over again.

One more choice was made that night - a werewolf chose his mate.

**_Finis_**


End file.
